Time to Exhale

How do you spell relief?  Depending on your situation it could mean anything.  I was thinking about that old commercial, “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is…” for Alka Seltzer back in the 60’s.  (  Often our problems are far from an upset stomach!  Relief could come in the form of getting a grade back and finding out that you passed a test.  It could be hearing your child’s car pull into the driveway or walking into an air-conditioned home after coming inside from the heat and humidity.  Possibly it’s opening a bill and finding out it’s not as high as originally anticipated.  It’s almost like you’re holding your breath and don’t realize it until the relief comes and then you can exhale and breathe again.

I realize that for myself, when relief comes in any form, I automatically associate it with thankfulness.  I don’t tend to take things for granted.  In fact I’m not sure what I take for granted if anything.  When I find relief, I see it as being blessed knowing that the results could have been different, and give thanks to God knowing that He is always in control.

Having had cancer once, I think most survivors always wonder if it will happen again.  I don’t dwell on it or spend a lot of time thinking about it.  I am trying to eat healthier, exercise more and do what I can to prevent it but every once in a while that thought does creep in and I think that’s normal.

I was overdue to have medical tests done due to insurance.  Fortunately after many phone calls and paperwork I was able to get funded to have the follow-up tests done.  I know that was nothing short of God’s doing.  Last month I went and had a diagnostic mammogram and phewa breast MRI done to make sure that nothing abnormal was going on.  You want the tests done but at the same time you don’t because you don’t want to hear that there is a problem.  The wait seems forever but once you get the results and hear that all things are NORMAL, there is RELIEF!  And along with the relief, is THANKFULNESS to God!  I can exhale now!

When God created man, He did so by breathing life into Him.  “Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” (Genesis 2:7)  When we find relief and can start breathing again, I think it’s appropriate to be thankful to the One who not only gave us life but also the cause for relief.

Making change

Our toy cash register

Our toy cash register

It’s been awhile since I posted in this blog.  The good news is  life is back to “normal” in the sense that I am not undergoing any treatment for cancer.   I am feeling pretty much recovered from all the side effects.  There’s still some aches and pains and sensations but at this point I honestly don’t know if it’s still from treatment or if it’s from aging, LOL.  The joke among my “cancer friends” is that we can blame most any symptom we are feeling as a lingering side effect from chemo!

Here we are at the start of 2014.  A new year.  A clean slate.  Another fresh start.  It’s probably a blessing that we don’t know ahead of time what the year may bring.  One thing I learned through this whole journey is not to worry about what may or may not happen but to take one day at a time and to enjoy life to its fullest. (Matt.6:27) Whatever comes my way, I am confident that God will give me the strength I need and will not leave me to walk  alone. (Deut. 31:6) He has brought me through some very tough days.  The road ahead may include some steep inclines, rough terrain, deep valleys, curvy and winding roads, an occasional bump in the road, and detours but my GPS (God Perspective System) will keep me focused knowing that He has my best interest in mind.  We won’t always understand the course He has us on but we can be assured of where we’ll end up ultimately.

I enjoyed the bike the most for cardio...actually steered on the courses selected!

I enjoyed the bike the most for cardio…actually steered on the courses selected!

New Year’s is a popular time to make resolutions on changes we want to make in our life as we reflect on how we did the previous year.  Some things are out of our control but many are not. We have a choice on how we’ll travel our journey through the year. Probably some of the most popular resolutions are health related…exercise, lose weight, eat healthier, get more rest, etc.  Most of these are broken within a month and then people just give up completely.  I wish more people looked internally to make changes…attitude adjustments and heart issues…than just externally.

My graduating class...12 weeks of sweat and tears.

My graduating class…12 weeks of sweat and tears.

I think the success of a resolution boils down to desire, motivation, discipline, and wisdom.  You have to really want to reach a goal bad enough in order to do something about it.  There has to be reason to reach it.  You have to have an obtainable plan to get there and it has to be plan that if followed will indeed get you there.

As a child I enjoyed playing “store.”  When I was teaching my own children, we used a play cash register and they learned how to make change.  We would set up toys and other items and put price tags on them.  They would “shop” and purchase items or be the cashier, but either way they had to learn how to count money and make change. It was a process and took time to learn.

Receiving my diploma and yellow rose at Livestrong graduation

Receiving my diploma and yellow rose at Livestrong graduation

doing the leg press

doing the leg press

Do you really want to make change in some areas?  Then do something about it.  I know for myself that last year I set a goal to run in a 5K and to start getting myself back in shape physically after going through cancer treatment.  I did run the 5 K in September and then I also signed up for the Livestrong program at the YMCA.  It is a free 12 week program for cancer survivors that encompasses cardio, strength, and flexibility.  It was a big commitment.  I had never even been in a gym before.  Not only did I learn a lot and get healthy and fit but I met a great group of people as well.  Now at the start of the new year I am ready to take on the challenge of trying to maintain my fitness.  I am still not sure whether I will join a gym or do it on my own at home but I am determined to follow through.  I feel better than I have in a long time.

Whatever my journey this year encompasses, I am determined to go through it feeling my best, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. “Exercise daily in God—no spiritual flabbiness, please! Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever.” (1 Tim.4:8 MSG)  Change is hard but if we stick with it and really want it, with God’s help we can achieve it.  Here’s to the best in 2014.

“Running” out of Excuses

It’s been awhile since I have posted on my blog.  Thankfully I am done with all my cancer treatment at this time.  A year ago I had finished my chemo and was in the middle of radiation when I felt like I needed to start doing something about getting my body back in shape.  I felt weak and stiff and was 20 pounds heavier from the steroids.  I felt like I was walking around in a fog from chemo brain during the Fall.  By January I was starting to feel a little better.  I went on diet and lost about half of the weight I had gained during treatment but still hadn’t started any kind of exercise regime.  If you recall, I was determined to do what I could to start exercising and still hadn’t really done anything.

When this summer came I knew I had run out of excuses and so I started running…literally.  Last September I was aware of a running-600x4005K in my town and had set a goal in my head to run in it the following year when I was finished with all my treatment.  Am I a runner?  Let’s just say that  I hadn’t jogged since college.  We’re talking over 30 years here.  I put an app on my ipod called C25K (couch to 5K).  This aptly describes where I was coming from and the direction where I was trying to head to.

It’s a 9 week program that has you train for 30 minutes/ 3 times a week.  I figured that was easy enough.  It didn’t go according to distance but by time spent training.  Day one starts you out jogging for 90 seconds at a time and walking in between.  It sounded easy enough until I started  training.  That first 90 seconds seemed like 90 minutes!  I kept looking at my watch thinking the app was broken or wasn’t working.  I kept waiting for the voice to say, “Walk.”  It was not easy but I was determined to do this.

How long is a 5K? It’s 3.1 miles or it would be like “running across a football field 54.68 times, running around all four bases of a regulation baseball diamond 45.47 times, running the length of an NBA-regulation basketball court 174.12 times or running a little less than 1/4 the length of Manhattan.” As I built up endurance I mapped out a course from my house that increased as the weeks went by.   I kept with the program all summer, running mostly in the early morning before it got too warm out (or before too many people saw me).  I only had one fall.  It was a face plant where I landed on both of my palms in August and my hands are still peeling as they heal. It was on days like that that I questioned myself wondering if I was crazy for starting this in the first place.   I also scraped a shin one time rounding a corner too snugly where there’s a low brick wall.  Other than that I survived and hopefully didn’t look too ridiculous although one of my son’s friends saw me running when he was stopped in traffic and mentioned it to him.

By the seventh week I was able to jog for 30 minutes but then I started back to work.  I wasn’t able to fit in running before work and I was hot and tired at the end of the day.  I tried running then but it was too laborious.  My training was limited mostly to the weekends.  I paid and signed up for the 5K knowing that if I didn’t commit I might back out.  A portion of the proceeds were going to help victims from Hurricane Sandy at the Jersey shore.  The race was the day after I completed the C25K app.  Initially my goal was to run the entire race but I realized I would not be able to.  Rather than getting discouraged I changed my goal to simply completing the 5K but I wanted to do it  in under 40 minutes.

I wasn’t really sure what to expect at the event.  I went to the race way too early.  I had to pee and then the only bathrooms they had were quite a distance away.  There was probably about 240 racers there and they had some children’s races first.  The start of the race reminded me of a herd of cattle initially and was a little difficult with bodies everywhere but pretty soon it starts to spread out.  Some move way out ahead of the pack and others trail behind.  I was somewhere in the middle, passing some and others passing me.  Probably more of the latter.

I was afraid that I might not know where to go but the course was clearly marked and crossing guards and police were at intersections stopping any traffic.  I could usually see someone ahead of me to follow as well.  Unfortunately part of the course was going up streets on an incline.  I chose to briskly walk those parts of the course, taking a breather then.


My bib! They have some kind of timing chip in them to record our times.

I crossed the finish line 158th out of 225 racers who finished in under one hour. A small crowd was gathered at the end cheering us on as we crossed the finish!  There were more runners but they only record the times of those who finish in under one hour. My time was 38:28.83.  I could have pushed myself a little more but chose not to. I had reached my 40 minute goal! My pace was a 12:23 mile and I was happy with what I accomplished.  Now I have my own official time to beat should I ever do another 5K.  I would like to but the bottom of my feet are really killing me from all the training so I don’t think I will.  The following week after the race I started my next goal…Livestrong…a 12 week program at the YMCA.  More to come…

Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.” (NLT).  While training for this 5K this verse came to mind often.  I learned very quick that even a sweatshirt was too burdensome to have with me if I wasn’t wearing it.  Any weight, any excess was a burden and would slow me down.  Days when I was having trouble with my ipod or earbuds and was preoccupied with them would slow me down.  An uneven sidewalk tripped me up that one time and my injury was bothersome for quite some time.  It took a lot of endurance (or some translations read perseverance) to train and run the race.  It wasn’t always easy; wasn’t always ideal circumstances, but I had to keep at it in order to reach my goal.  There were witnesses not only at the finish line but along the race course as well, watching and cheering us on.

In The Message, Hebrews 12:2-3 says, “Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls.”  We are all runners in this race of life, in our walks of faith.  Even in training I had my eyes set on goals along the way…just make it to that tree, the next intersection, to the park, to the cul-de-sac, etc.  There will be distractions, things to slow you down or trip you up, hurdles to get over.  The good news is that Christ has gone on before us.  He’s waiting at the finish line for us!  He’s cheering us along on the way!  He’s showed us how it is to be done and given us what we need to make it there!  He’s marked the course for us.  Read your training manual (Bible) and follow it!  Don’t be lazy.  Hang in there.  Get moving and I’ll see you at the finish line.

Relay for Life

Since I was diagnosed and began treatment for cancer, I have wanted to participate in some kind of walk or event to help raise money for cancer research and other services that organizations provide to cancer patients.  I was not physically up to it while going through treatment but had the privilege and availability last week to finally do one.

The start of the survivor lap

The start of the survivor lap

I hesitantly signed up to do Relay for Life by the American Cancer Society.  I say hesitantly because when I went to thewebsite and read what it was all about I saw that participants “camp out” and stay overnight.  I never even did many “all-nighters” when I was in college yet alone one outside at this stage of life!  I emailed the person in charge asking if I HAD to do that and found out I could just attend whatever events I wanted to.

With only two weeks to go before the Relay I emailed and posted the event and was able to raise $450 for the American Cancer Society!  Many of you were supporters, thank you!  In total 37 teams and 973 participants helped raise $140,870.82 (latest figure) at the one I attended.  Many communities do a Relay for Life and they happen around this time of year, I think all at high school tracks.   More than 4 million people in over 20 countries participate in a Relay.  Let me tell you first what the funds raised help do.

American Cancer Society 100 years old

American Cancer Society 100 years old

The American Cancer Society is celebrating it’s 100th birthday!  No single nongovernmental, not-for-profit organization in the US has invested more to find the causes and cures of cancer than the American Cancer Society.   Since 1946 they have helped make possible almost every major cancer research breakthrough.   They provide a place to stay in one of the 31 Hope Lodge facilities for cancer patients and their caregivers while receiving effective treatment far from home.  They provide transportation for cancer patients to and from treatment for those that do not have a way to get there or are unable to drive themselves.  The ACS has a program to help cancer patients look good and feel better about themselves.  I attended one of  these and you can read of my experience.  They also have a support program matching specially trained breast cancer survivors with those who are newly diagnosed that need someone to talk to.

Our T shirts

Our T shirts

The Relay runs from 6 pm to 6 am.  The  opening ceremony included speeches, songs, and the release of about a dozen doves.  Then the State Troopers bagpipe band  led a procession of cancer survivors around the track for the first lap, a victory lap!  There were 208 survivors registered but less were there I believe due to the weather.  The event is held rain or shine and storms were threatening.  As we walked around the track, caretakers, family and friends cheered us on.  It reminded me of Hebrews 12:1,  “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us.” (NRSV) There was a sea of purple as we wore our Relay survivor shirts.   Each participant had their own unique circumstances, yet we were united in spirit sharing the same unfortunate struggle…CANCER…but as survivors!   On the second lap around, the caretakers joined us.  This was CELEBRATE!

Personalized luminaries lined the track.

Personalized luminarias lined the track.

During the evening teams had their bases set up on the grounds with large tents, not for sleeping in, but with tables and chairs and food. There were different contests going on through the event between the teams.  Local businesses and groups  like Shop Rite, the Fire department and Applebees also had tents and were handing out food.  There were inflatables and activities for the children, a band playing, and a raffle tent for the survivors.  All survivors also received a knitted or crocheted lap blanket.  Once it was dark there was a luminaria ceremony.  Decorated personalized bags in memory or in honor of someone with cancer lined the track with candles in them.  It was quite a sight.  There was a ceremony with a slide show and glow sticks were handed out.  Lots of hugging and some tears were shed as photos flashed across the large screen.  Walking the track reading the names and messages on the bags and looking at the photos on some was very moving.  This was REMEMBER!  It reminded me of how the whole chapter of Hebrews 11 is filled with examples of people whose faith brought them through; Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, etc.  I could visualize their names on the luminares and those great heroes  saying, “Remember us.  Keep the faith as we did.  Run the race. You can do it.”

The third part is FIGHT BACK!  I was too tired to stay any later so I missed the Fight Back portion.  From what I OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAunderstand it’s the ceremony that encourages participants to take some form of action fighting  back against cancer.  What are you willing to do for  yourself, your loved ones, and your community to make sure everyone can celebrate another birthday?  There is a lot you can do!  Starting with yourself, if you are a woman, be diligent with your mammograms and monthly self-checks.  Be an advocate and encourage others to do the same.  Watch the foods you eat.  Don’t smoke.  Exercise.  In short, take care of your body!  Support cancer research and participate in an event like Relay for Life.  I plan on doing this again and will start earlier next time in raising funds.  I hope to bring family and friends with me next time.  There is a battle going on and we need to do what we can to fight back.  The same is true in our spiritual lives.  “Finally, let the Lord make you strong. Depend on his mighty power.  Put on all of God’s armor. Then you can stand firm against the devil’s evil plans.  Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world.  So put on all of God’s armor. Evil days will come. But you will be able to stand up to anything. And after you have done everything you can, you will still be standing.” Ephesians 6:10-13

We need to make investments in things we feel are worthwhile.  For me this will be one of them.  I hope my small part will add more birthdays to someone’s life.


Another time, another place

I often hear people talk about how they wished they had been born in a different time period.  We have movies like “Back to the Future” and the “Time Traveler’s Wife” and others where people can be transported to different eras.  I have given that thought myself before and decided the “olden days” were good when things were simple but not so simple that there were no modern conveniences.

I have also thought about how I was born and raised in the United States.  I have been to third world countries and have seen firsthand how hard it is for some people just to survive from day to day.  They do not have access to clean water, food, shelter, education or jobs.  We recently finished a book in school on one of the Lost boys from Sudan that came to the U.S. and it got me thinking again about how I take for granted the fact that I was born to parents in this country.

It gets my brain on overload when I start to wonder, “Why me?”  Why was I chosen to be born where I was and when I was?  Many have even come before me that were fortunate enough to be born here in the U.S. but it was during a time when women didn’t have many rights or you had “washing day” where you had to spend an entire day washing your family’s clothes by hand and hang them out to dry (after you made your own laundry soap). Ugh!  I am counting my blessings!

Did you ever really think about why you were born when you were and where you were?  I’ve read this before but today it popped out at me.  “From one man he made all the people of the world. Now they live all over the earth. He (God) decided exactly WHEN they should live. And he decided exactly WHERE they should live.” Acts 17:26 NIRV  And do you know WHY He made us?  So that we could search for God and find Him (v.27).  Every human being is placed on earth with the purpose of seeking God.  You were specifically planned down to where and when you would be born!  

I no longer wish that I had been born at another time or even in another place (other than NJ).  I was thinking about the cancer diagnosis I received last year.  If I had been born years earlier, my cancer probably would not have been diagnosed in the early stages.  The aggressive cancer I had would have advanced quickly, and most likely it would have been too late for any treatment at all.  Any treatment that I received would not have been as effective as what I was able to get either.  If I lived elsewhere I might not have had access to the healthcare I was able to receive.  I literally pass by the hospital/doctors I use on my route to work each day so treatments were very convenient as well.  Right now I am happy to do just what I was put here for…seeking God.



“Blooming” trials

This week I heard the word “blooming” used in a way I wasn’t familiar with.    I had always thought of blooming only in the sense of flowering or blossoming.  The word “blooming” can be used as an adjective or an adverb, rhyming with crewman or human,  is chiefly British and was probably a euphemism for “bloody” as in a bloody fool.  It is used as a generalized intensive.

Photo credit: Joshua Siniscal

Photo credit: Joshua Siniscal

This happens to be one of my favorite times of the year.  I love to see all the trees budding and flowers blooming, the grass turning green and lawns getting cut, flower beds being cleaned up, and gardens started.  Unfortunately for so many with seasonal allergies this is not a favorite time of year but one of dread.  Green dust covers our cars and the pollen count climbs higher.  I see many with puffy itchy eyes and congestion.  It makes me wonder how something so beautiful can cause so much heartache and discomfort?  The pollen’s got some blooming nerve!

At the same time, there are horrible things like cancer or many other trials and tribulations that are not beautiful in and of themselves but can bring forth beauty.  It’s like a bulb or seed in the ground…ugly, dead, lifeless, hidden.  After a period of time and nurturing in the soil, with some warmth from the sun, and some water, a new life pokes out of the ground and blooms for all to see!

My lilac tree

Patience, the lilac tree

This is the same in our lives.  A bad report, some unwelcome news, a loss, or a heartache happens.  Our heavenly Father holds us in His bosom, comforts us, cradles us, gives us hope, warms us in the Son, refreshes our spirit with His Word, and once again we are ready to bloom in a new place where He has planted us for yet another season in life.

My oldest daughter loves lilacs and when we moved to our current house I planted a lilac tree that was only about 18″ high.  It took several years before we even had one bloom on the tree and while we waited she aptly named the tree “Patience.”  It is now tall and full of lovely blossoms but they didn’t come overnight.  It took a lot of love and nurturing, some very cold winters, and a time of waiting before others could enjoy the beauty and fragrance that it gives off.

“I will put beautiful crowns on their heads in place of ashes.  I will anoint them with oil to give them gladness instead of sorrow.  I will give them a spirit of praise in place of a spirit of sadness. They will be like oak trees that are strong and straightThe Lord himself will plant them in the land.  That will show how glorious he is.” (Isaiah 61:3 NIRV)

Blooming where you are planted (amidst your trials) is a bloomin’ good place to be!

Spilt milk

There is an idiom that says not to cry over spilt milk.  There is no use crying over a past loss or something that cannot be undone or changed.  This saying came to mind when my car broke down the other week.  I had to be towed and after why store cord bloodtaking a look under the hood the car was not worth fixing and had to be salvaged.  As I emptied the contents out of my vehicle I noticed that I had only gone 15 miles on a full tank of gas!  We asked the mechanic if we could siphon out the gas somehow.  It was impossible and we abandoned the car with a full tank.

It was bad enough that now we needed to purchase another vehicle but it really bothered me that I had just filled up the tank the night before the car died.  It hurt.  I was annoyed at what had happened.  I was dwelling on it and realized it was only spilt milk.  I had to mop it up and move on.

The other container of milk that spilled was the fact that my car broke down because it needed a new timing belt.  We had the timing belt replaced 16 months ago by a different garage.  This mechanic showed us the current timing belt that needed replacing…dry rotted and missing “teeth”.  There was no way that this was a belt that was only 16 months old yet we had the receipt from the work showing it had supposedly been done.  We called the previous mechanic but it was already over 12 months and 12,000 miles so it was no longer covered and it was his word against ours that it had indeed been replaced.  We could argue but it didn’t seem like it would get us anywhere and could drag on or we could simply mop up the milk and move on.

Even regarding cancer it would be easy to say, “I should have eaten better or exercised more or ….” and maybe it would have made a difference.  As parents we regret some of things we did or didn’t do in raising our children. There are so many areas of our lives; education decisions, job choices, something that was said or shouldn’t have been said, a purchase we made, an opportunity not acted upon, etc. etc. etc.  Yes, the choices we make in life do have an impact on our life but once made cannot be retracted.  The thing to look at is how we go on from there.  Do you chose to move on or are you living with regret with the “What if’s” and “I should/shouldn’t have” ?  It’s spilt milk.  Mop it up by dealing with the consequences and then move on.

My full tank of gas and a mechanic’s error are really minor in comparison to major things to move on from;  for me they were big at the moment.  Finances are very tight right now and it hurt.  Not only would I need to purchase another car but I would have to fill it up again!  I could have let it really get to me and get me down for a few days but I chose to see it as spilt milk and move on.  One thing I did to turn this into something positive was I purchased Conquer Cancer license plates for my “new” (ha ha 17 years old) replacement vehicle.  I feel like I’m continuing to kick cancer’s butt each time I approach my car and glance at my plates.  I haven’t been able to participate in a walkathon but most of the plate fee and 100% of the minimal annual renewal fee goes to cancer research.

Matthew West has a song called “Hello, my name is.”  The first stanza is “Hello, my name is regret. I’m pretty sure we have met. Every single day of your life I’m the whisper inside that won’t let you forget.”  He goes on to say that listening to those voices and lies causes defeat in our lives and that we can be set free by who we are in Christ adding,  “I am no longer defined by all the wreckage behind.”  Watch it here

Forget the things that happened in the past. Do not keep on thinking about them. I am about to do something new. It is beginning to happen even now.  Don’t you see it coming? I am going to make a way for you to go through the desert. I will make streams of water in the dry and empty land.”  Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIRV) Why live with regret whispering in your ear when we can have hope for something new and different with the Lord?  No more crying over spilt milk!  Mop it up and move on.

“I can see clearly now…”

I was nearing the end of my supply of  contacts and went to have my eyes checked.  Imagine my surprise when my doctor was puzzled why my eyesight in one eye had rapidly gone down hill…I  couldn’t even make out the big letters on the chart.  He started asking me if I had had a head injury recently and other  related questions.  I was getting more worried by the minute and so was he.  He proceeded to do some tests and use some different instruments and was able to establish the fact that there was no internal damage to my retina or anything but that one eye was inflamed and scratched and dry causing my vision to blur.  I had conjunctivitis about a month ago and apparently that had never fully cleared up.

Prescription eye drops 4 times a day and artificial tears hourly were to be part of my routine for at least the next week along with check-ups every few days.  When I left his office I closed my good eye and realized I couldn’t see out of my “bad” eye even with my glasses on.  How long had this been going on?  My good eye had been doing such a good job overcompensating for the lack of vision in the affected eye that I had not even realized the vision had deteriorated in one eye so drastically.

The good news is that my vision was back within two days but the eye was still not healed.  Next I was switched to eye drops that were both antibacterial and anti-inflammatory as well. We realized that the other eye was extremely dry as well. Unfortunately although it appears the infection did clear up, the inflammation is  still under my eyelid.  I continue to hydrate my eyes and be treated while we figure this out.  The doctor is a little puzzled and is not sure yet if I will be able to wear contacts anymore.

The more I thought about this it occurred to me that it had been almost a year that I have been having some “problems” with my eyes and that it was almost a year ago that I had my first chemo treatment.  I wear contacts daily and rarely wear my glasses but over the past year my eyes had been bothering me in some way or another.  At times my vision seemed blurry, my eyes were red, they were sensitive or itchy, even excess tears and I would have to leave my contacts out for days or a week at a time until the redness or irritation went away.  I had so many uncomfortable side effects from chemo that I was dealing with that I had paid little attention to a minor one such as the eye irritation or my vision.  It wasn’t until this eye exam that I finally put two and two together and realized that dry eye syndrome was yet another marvelous side effect from cancer treatment.  It is not listed specifically for the drugs I had been given, but I see it listed in general for chemo treatment and see in forums where many patients complain of it.  I was unable to see any information about whether this goes away in time.  If anyone has more information about that, I would be anxious to know.  Dry eye syndrome is also more common in those over the age of 40,  in menopausal women, and in those taking blood pressure medication so it could be a combination in my case.

Your immune resistance is lowered during chemo and you are more prone to infection.  This, in addition  to the dryness in my eyes, Drawing the human eye by echo1180allowed for more irritation as well. When  my hair fell out after the start of chemo, I lost my eyebrows and most of my eyelashes as well, allowing even more bacteria to enter my eyes.   Wearing the same soft porous lenses for a month at a time did not help.  My doctor said switching to daily wear contacts would be better with a lesser chance of infection since they are disposed of after one use.  Another option may be going back to hard lenses as they not only cover a  much smaller portion of the eye, but would not be sitting in solutions overnight and would carry less bacteria since they are not porous.


On a humorous note, one of the tests that my doctor does is put drops of Fluorescein in my eyes.  Fluorescein is a yellow dye that stains the cornea where the epithelial (surface) cells have been worn away because of the lack of an adequate protective tear film.  With the use of a “blue” light it will help identify abrasions or scratches present on the surface of the eye.   Somehow the bright yellow dye ends up outlining my eye and appears bright orange once it is on my skin.  After I left there the first time I was unaware of the dye left until I walked into the store to meet my daughter and she wanted to know what was the matter with me.  When I looked in the mirror we both busted out laughing at the orange circle around my eye!

I still don’t know for sure where this will end up but it got me thinking about many things…how we take our vision for granted, how we tend to the more urgent things but allow smaller things to fall by the wayside, and especially how we can easily end up allowing something to be “acceptable” or the norm and take a foothold in our life, learning to live with it, even becoming insensitive to its presence in our life.  The last thing you would want to happen in your spiritual life is to “give the devil a foothold in your life” (Ephesians 4:27), allowing him to stay and putting up with his presence to the point that you are not in tune to the spirit.  We do not want to become complacent or numb but want to remain sensitive to “irritations” in our lives that have no place being there.

“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.” (1 Peter 5:8-11 Message)


Depressing Debt

The “price tag” on an expensive item can send us into sticker shock.  Some things we decide we can do without because it’s more than we would care to spend but sometimes it is not optional.  This is the case for necessary medical treatment and procedures, especially if it life threatening.  I don’t want to get into the whole health insurance debate because it turns my stomach but to make a long story short my health insurance switched as of the first of the year.  I am just now receiving bills through my new insurance.

Cancer treatment is very expensive.  Every treatment is thousands and thousands of dollars.  It can throw you into sticker shock when you start to scrutinize every statement and then the bills that follow.  It’s one of those items that you really can’t do without, can’t purchase second hand or find on Craig’s List, or  bid for on E bay.  I was trying to figure out how to pay the deductible that had been met and then got billed for the out-of-pocket max already for the year.  To add insult to injury next came the estimate and bills for my root canal, post and crown with my new dental insurance.

Going through treatments is bad enough but having to deal with the paperwork, billing and financial price tag on top of that can be very overwhelming.  I can easily let this eat away at me and get depressed which was starting OR I can choose to focus on the fact that my God has always provided.  He tells us not to worry, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own,'” Matthew 6:34 (NIV).  I can rest in the fact that HE has not changed.  He is faithful and has promised to provide for my needs.  “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus,” Philippians 4:19 (NIV).  Matthew 6:26, “ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” (RSV)  If He takes care of a little sparrow, how much more will He take care of my needs?

I was watching the new Bible mini-series on tv last week.  One of the scenes that always grabs me is where Abraham takes Jehovah Jireh 1his only son Isaac up the mountain to sacrifice him in obedience to God.  So many thoughts run through my own mind when I think of what must have been going on in both Abraham’s and Isaac’s minds.  To everyone’s relief, especially Abraham’s,  God comes through and provides a ram for the sacrifice.   Jehovah Jireh (YHWH Yireh), is one of the names of God.  It means the Lord who provides or sees (to it).  This is exactly what happened here in this account in Genesis 22.  WOW…The Lord will see to it that not only is my every need met but that it is met in just the right time, and not just financial needs either.  Check out this two minute video on Jehovah Jireh…

No one likes to have any debt, especially large financial ones.  The good news is that the BIGGEST DEBT any of us has ever had, has already been taken care of!  God has already provided the ultimate sacrifice through his son Jesus.  “God bought you with a great price,” 1 Corinthians 16:20a (NLB)  “Christ died for our sins, just as Scripture said he would,” 1 Corinthians 15:3b (NIRV)  That is one debt I could never repay even if I tried and am so thankful it was PAID IN FULL on the cross.


Words… Words are a way we communicate with one another. They can be spoken or written but either way they can impact another person positively or negatively. It’s amazing to think that words are only something made up of speech sounds or written or printed characters but they have the power to change a life. They can make or break someone’s day or change a course of a lifetime.

Think about it; the power of even one or two words. “I do.” “Yes.” “No.” I had quite a number of medical appointments and tests done last week…thyroid biopsy, breast MRI, echo cardiogram, Pabst smear, infusion, bone density, root canal, etc. The results came back in drips and drabs over the course of the week. Each time it was a simple “normal” or “benign” and even a “beautiful” was thrown in there. Just one simple word told me all I needed to know or cared to know. I was thankful those were the words I was told, especially after what I went through medically in the last year.

Today, March 1st, is World Compliment Day.  Think about how something as simple as a compliment could put a smile on someone’s face or brighten their day.  You know the old adage, “Think before you speak” or “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say 560166_10151427374636530_552397826_nanything at all”? There’s a lot of wisdom in that. Proverbs 10:19, “The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words.” (Message) There’s a time and a place to say certain things as well. “The right word at the right time is like golden apples in silver jewelry.” Proverbs 25:11 (NIRV)

The third chapter in the book of James is about taming the tongue, or I should say our inability to do so. He alludes to the bit in the mouth of a horse and to a rudder on a large ship. It controls or steers it in the direction the rider or pilot wants to go. It is a small thing but it does a big job, good or bad, like a spark starting a forest fire. The tongue can be used to praise or to curse. Proverbs 12:25 says, “Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.” (NLT) At the same time, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.” (NASB)

When we read or hear the Word of God, it is soothing and satisfying to our whole being.  Psalm 119:103 says, “How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!” (NIV)  The Message translation puts it this way, “Your words are so choice, so tasty; I prefer them to the best home cooking.” Wow! These were especially prepared for us to devour and feast off of.  They are truth and show us how to live our lives not only here on earth but an eternal offer as well.

I really like a new song that has been played recently on a station I listen to. It’s simply called “Words” by Hawk Nelson and how words can build us up or break us down. Part of the chorus goes like this, “Let my words be life/Let my words be truth/I don’t wanna say a word/Unless it points the world back to You. This is exactly how I feel about this blog. Although I hope that it has been both informative and encouraging to others with breast cancer or anything else they may be going through, I cannot write a post unless my words are pointing back to God. This blog may be about my experiences but it’s purpose is not to point to me but to the Lord and what He is doing with a broken vessel. He gets the glory for everything and anything good in me or that may come from me.

Here is the official Youtube video of the song “Words.”  Check it out at